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LTYBH—Cow Love

This Swizzler adventure happens in book nine, Flights of Fancy (not yet published), when Charlie discovers how milk is obtained. It seems that he had asked Commander Ashtar to bring him some whipping cream for the strawberry shortcake dessert he was creating. I casually mentioned that milk comes from a cow and gave Charlie a telepathic vision of a farmer milking one. Charlie declared that was “gross” and told me he was very concerned that he had sent Supreme Commander Ashtar on a task that required him to put his hands on “little penises.” I explained that they were nipples and Charlie thought that was “even worse.”


Being the farm girl that I still am, I wanted to share my love of cows with our Swizzler kids and so Tonas and I visited my dad in the Fifth Realm (You might think of that place as heaven.) and I asked him to create—instant manifestation occurs in the Fifth Realm—the kind of cow we had on our farm, a Brown Swiss cow. Dad did so and then offered to furnish ninety-three additional cows—one for each Swizzler to get to know. I laughed when Tonas asked me if I was aware that the cow had “dangling issues that were engorged.”

With the preparations in place, Tonas and I returned to the council to bring Charlie and all the Swizzlers back with us so that they could experience being up close and personal with a cow. Once we were in the barn Dad created, Charlie remarked that cows were pretty and that they had long eyelashes. Encouraged by his remark, I asked him to pick one. He wanted to know why he should do that.


“You get to pet it and watch my dad milk a cow.”

I am met with silence . . . followed by a contemplative, “Mm-hmm.”

“Do you see one you really like?”

“Do I like ‘em enough to touch those things though?”

“You don’t have to touch the nipples. You can just touch the cow.”

“OK, but I think it’s a very personal thing.”

I explain that cows don’t look at it that way and change the focus of Charlie’s attention by asking him to look at one of the cow’s ears. For those of you unfamiliar with the quality of hair inside a cow’s ears, it is long and silky and I used to love to flick my fingers through it. I ask Charlie to feel how silky the hair is. He admits that it feels good and asks all the other Swizzlers to pick a cow and start petting it.


I assure the kids that the cows are gentle, and then ask Charlie if he can see the cow’s udder. He says he doesn’t want to look at it—it looks suspicious. Then he peeks and says, “Yeah . . . there’s kind of a bunch of ‘em down there. If there was one more, we could put a glove on it.”

Muffling my laughter, I ask Dad to pull up a milking stool and milk the cow so that the Swizzlers can watch. Charlie gasps and says that Dad has his hands around it. He begins whispering as he describes that Dad is squeezing down and the milk is squirting like water into the bucket. After I explain that if we let the milk sit for a while the cream will rise to the top, Charlie enthusiastically declares that now he has to learn to milk a cow. He reasons that if he’s going to be a really good chef, he needs to be able to get this real cream. To be fair, I mention that it is possible to buy cream from a grocery store but my son wants me to know that now he is not “creeped out.”

After I demonstrate my rudimentary milking skills, Charlie asks to give one of the nipples a tug, laughs when it produces a squirt and says, “Oh, that’s some strangeness. Everybody wants to get on the stool now. Can we stay and do it?”

After I approve, Charlie informs us that this is a serious project. They are going to make whipping cream for everybody and later my dad is going to show them how to make butter. Since the kids want to spend the entire day on the farm, Tonas and I return to the council. He is never going to be any kind of farmer. When I teased him by suggesting that milking a cow would be a good courtship ritual for him to undergo, he was udderly horrified.


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